It’s not because I think it sucks. I don’t. Actually considering my usual quantities of self-esteem I find I am relatively proud of this site.
Forty four posts in and I have had to change my own notions of what constitutes failure. I had thought that I would delete posts that didn’t attract enough (‘enough’ according to who?) likes or comments but instead I have let everything remain as it is and I find for the second time in my life that very often it is the whole picture – so to speak – which makes something worth valuing.
Even the posts I would change if I were to write them again now seem to reflect a personal and stylistic growth when left together with their more recent additions. That’s worth something I think.
I told my boyfriend about this endeavour when I already had the name, the idea and the themes for it organised; I told a single friend here in Ireland who has visited a handful of times and seems generally uninterested; I told a friend and ex-colleague.
Whenever I read articles about improving the visibility of your blog online it always comes back around in one way or another to social media. Promote your site! Tell everyone! I don’t have Facebook, which you’ll know if you’ve been following me for a while, and I have no intention of returning to it just for the sake of a couple of extra visitors to my site. I do have Instagram but though the people I follow and those who follow me are my friends, colleagues or members of my boyfriend’s family I cannot bring myself to post the name of this site. (Yet).
Is it because of that old bugbear rejection? Is it easier to share it here because the blogosphere seems safer and I can remain as anonymous or not as I wish to be? Is it because I’ve planned to write about those people I know and don’t want to run into trouble with them later on down the line?!
I consider it a risk and an uncontrollable one to tell more friends about the existence of this site. As someone who was bullied I am still to this day very conscious about how I come across to others. Anything that is potentially ‘extreme’ – a talking point basically – about my personality or appearance gets watered way down until I am sure that I am around people who will accept me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have crafted certain personalities around different groups of friends – else what would be the point of calling them friends – but I do tend to keep myself on the edges and hold back from saying anything that might be used against me should someone wish to.
I would also say that here in the blogosphere I have been rather more forthcoming than I may have been in real life on a number of subjects. I can count on one hand the number of friends who know I write, for example.
So there’s the risk of sharing this blog with my friends and revealing a little too much of myself. If that resonates with you, let me know.
It is a shame because I know of friends who would visit and who would read what I have to say with interest. I wonder if the friend here in Ireland that I did share the site with was only ‘chosen’ because I know blogging isn’t really his thing and he’d rarely read the posts unless challenged by me to do so. My partner’s first language isn’t English – is that why I’ve let him in on the secret?
And my family?
Not one of them know that when I say I have something to do it is this. I just don’t feel ready to share what I have done with them yet and I don’t, honestly, know quite how I feel about that.
It kind of makes my opening gambit about being proud of what this blog is a bit questionable doesn’t it?