Driving home this evening my mum remarked that despite the praise I give myself for my commitment to a vegetarian diet I still knowingly consume milk chocolate. She obviously felt it a kind of throwaway comment with no judgement implied however the effect of being so candidly revealed a hypocrite sat more than a little uneasily with me.
If you read yesterday’s post then you’ll no doubt know that this morning my boyfriend arrived in New Delhi, India. His reasons for going there, and at this time of year, are to engage in a kind of spiritual journey – attending lectures in Buddhism and completing a meditation course.
I have frequently felt irritated by the on-going popularity of yoga and meditation. This largely originates from what I see as being the often two-faced, commercialised nature of it. However it also includes the superiority that too often comes from someone who has discovered that you don’t devote your evenings to the so-called bettering of yourself in their prescribed manner.
I know, I know nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
When my mum pointed out my own hypocrisy I immediately thought of the times I have stood on a pedestal protesting against and highlighting the contradictions inherent -as I see them – in the world of yoga.
Nobody likes being called out and though I know she didn’t do it on purpose, mum’s comments made me think that I should more closely eradicate the sources of hypocrisy in my own life especially when I seem to be quite astute at shining a floodlight on those of other things.
Even as I write that I know what I am doing – falling into the trap of achievement. While my boyfriend goes about what he has set out to do, it no doubt would sit badly with me to be here, in Europe, doing “nothing”.
I need achievement. I like to tick things off a list. Call it what you want.
Perhaps a set of resolutions created tonight, on the eve of a new month, is the way that I am choosing to deal with an absence that I would rather not admit is affecting me the way it is. I suspect I might be jealous and desperate not to be left behind as I imagine his own journey opens whatever doors it will.
I will resolve then to eat only vegan chocolate for the next month. I also want to post to this blog earlier in the day because doing it last thing at night means I am much more susceptible to spelling errors and being sucked down the dark hole of late-night YouTube videos.
Last night for example, I watched a selection of the best Irish Lotto advertisements.